I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
