A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
