i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
