All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
