I just saw a hot homeless man
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
