How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
