so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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