Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
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She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
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Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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