my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
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I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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