You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
