Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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