some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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