The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
