Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
