I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Houston, we have a blender
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
