I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
