I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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