i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
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I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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