I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
