dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
