I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
