he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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