The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
