I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Im part way to drunk.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
