just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
