New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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