Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
