He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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