I can text with my tongue
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
