im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
