is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
