took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
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he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
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For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You don't make any sense
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