I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
