Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize