I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
