If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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