i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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