Moan for me like Helen Keller
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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