when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
