Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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