how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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