If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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