I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
