24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
