omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
