I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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