I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
