watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
