While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
