i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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