Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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