The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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