i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
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No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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