I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
