She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My feet surprised me
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
