I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
