I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
