I CAN MOONWALK!
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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