apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
