Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
