So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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