I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
