..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
